My love Femi did all he could to salvage my falling academics, but it was too late. I did not graduate with a good CGPA, in fact, I had to re-take a course I didn’t do well in.
Meaning, my days on campus as a student were extended. I wasn’t happy about this, he knew I wasn’t happy and he encouraged me to pay close attention to my academics.
After lectures, we would go to the library in his department and we would read for hours. I didn’t like sitting for hours to read. My concentration level reduced easily by reading that way. So I made the decision to read for two hours, take a break of thirty minutes, then read for another two hours and take a break. Doing this helped me to assimilate more compare to when I read for four hours without a break. I learnt later that it is good to know how my body works. It was a lesson I learnt quite late.
Before now, I remember I used to compare myself with Brenda. She could read for five hours non- stop. I kept asking myself: “why can’t I read for that number of hours non-stop?” I interpreted my inability to read for five hours non -stop as Laziness. Which made me conclude that Brenda always had A+ in her courses because she could read for a longer period of time than myself. As a result of comparing myself with Brenda, I became unhappy, almost depressed.
Loved God but still had low self esteem
It was so bad that I embraced the mindset that I was an average student and would always be one. I had this mindset for a long time, I mean a long time. Even though I was born again, filled with the Holy Spirit and heard God when He speaks to me and I also speak to Him, I still believed that I wasn’t the best. I attended church services, I prayed in tongues, I was even an executive member of the church I attended BUT I didn’t believe that I was good.
I remember I had little or no knowledge of what was written in the Bible concerning me as a child of God, (which would have helped boost my self esteem). It would have helped me to see myself the way God sees me. I was a Christian, I was born again but I didn’t see the importance of reading or studying the bible. Literally, I could count the number of times I read my bible. Little did I know that the bible isn’t just God’s word to His children, it is also a book that tells us who we are and what we have come into.
I went about believing that I wasn’t the best, I went about placing a limit on myself. As a result, I couldn’t do what I loved to do. I thought “if I do it, it won’t come out good, and people will laugh at me and call me a wanna be. Why not save yourself the embarrassment?” I would tell myself. Peradventure, I did what I loved to do and it came out good and people loved it and passed good comments, I didn’t believe their comments. I felt I wasn’t good.
Growing in love
After reading, Femi and I would walk around our campus. And while we walked, we talked. We talked about the future majorly. I don’t get tired of talking about the future. In fact, we did more talking than praying. Yes! More of talking than praying. Talking and asking questions about the future really helped me. I was able to see the sync in what God had shown me about my future and what God had shown him about his future. I was able to see(not in totality) how I fit into his life.
Some questions I asked where: where do you see yourself five years from now? How many children do you intend to have? What is the vision God has shown you that you want me to help you fulfil? I know you want to build a career in Information Technology, do you see yourself Pastoring alongside or after that? He answered some of the questions and the ones he didn’t have answers to, he told me he didn’t have answers to them. I was very inquisitive. I loved (and still do) to have everything well mapped out, well planned before I proceed. We got along really well.
Asides reading together and taking walks, we went to drama rehearsals together. We enjoyed being in drama unit and after rehearsal, we would go to the restaurant and eat. As the days went by, our love grew deeper and stronger. We enjoyed each other’s company.
I love Femi and wanted more
There were some features I liked in Femi asides his beautiful face and cute dimple. I loved(still do) his long fingers and toes. I loved his fingers so much that each time we were together, I would hold his hand and play with his fingers (pulled and twisted). Also, I loved holding his hand because of those beautiful fingers.
I got used to holding his hand such that my body started sending messages to my brain that I wanted more than holding his hand. A hug wouldn’t be a bad idea I guessed. So, we started hugging each other. Not publicly, but privately, where no one was. At first, it felt so good, until we knew that the hugs could no longer satisfy us. We wanted something more, something deeper, something intimate.
The next option was KISSING. Before now, I had never kissed a man and Femi had never kissed a woman (I was his first girlfriend, he was my second boyfriend).
The decision to abstain
We had to pause and give it a thoughtful consideration; we knew where we would end up if we started kissing. We weren’t ready for that. I remembered when I was a teenager, I promised myself to keep my virginity till my wedding night. Not only did I promise myself, I also promised God and I asked Him to help me because I knew I could not do it alone. Femi and I had a long, in depth discussion about how we felt in our bodies. How our hormones were raging and we decided to do it God’s way: no sex before marriage. Why? Because we loved (still do) God.
If we love Him, then we would keep His commandment of no sex before marriage. Of a truth, it wasn’t easy. But we did it. Yes! We kept our virginities till our wedding night. No sex until we got married. We decided to stop seeing each other behind closed doors and we would meet in places that won’t encourage the emotion (of having sex). Shortly after we made these decisions, Femi graduated. I had to stay back in school because I had a course to re-take.
In a world where almost every one has his/her own opinion about how to live life. As a child of God, how do you live? By the opinions of men or by what God says? Please drop your answer in the comment session below.